The present
(* told by Nick Dempsey)

I was backward at going forward, and why I didn't know
Some people said that I was shy, but others called me slow.
My father blamed me mother for being a lazy sod
But she maintained that it was all his fault, that all his crowd were odd.

"Why don't you go out and get a woman", he used to say to me
"When I was your age the very least I had, was two or three
And a wee bit of advice I’ll give you, and remember it my son
If you’re not in bed by twelve o’clock, you'd be better off at home".

But I had my eye on Mary Anne, these last eight years or so
The only thing that held me back, was in case she might say no.
You see the problem was I turned her down, back in her younger days
Mind you it's not that she got any better looking, it's just I’m not as hard to please.

If I tell you she was ugly, I would not be telling lies
They say she once worked in a butcher’s shop, to keep away the flies.
But I was at the stage that when it came to looks, I just didn't give a damn
And I’m sure you’d say it was just as well, if you saw Mary Anne.

Now from time to time, I’d seen her down about the shop
But I never had the courage, for to bring the subject up.
I knew she still was cool with me, since I turned her down that time
But I felt if I could talk to her, I just might change her mind.

Then I was put in contact with a man, an expert in these things
Who felt so sure of his success, he told me to buy the ring.
He sayes “If you will follow my ‘get a woman plan’
I’ll guarantee within three weeks time, I’ll have her eating from your hand".

Now sayes he "The next time that you see her, you pay her a lot of heed
Look closely at what she’s wearing and see, if there’s something she might need.
Perhaps a scarf for around her neck, or something for her hair,
If you like the plan come back to me, and we’ll take it on from there".

(to be continued)
(* written by Pat McGeeney, told by Nick Dempsey)

A dog called "Secks"

Some people call their dog Rover
Others just settle for Spot,
But Johnny decided that Secks
Was the trendiest name of the lot.

When he wanted to buy the dog licence
And mentioned the name of his pet,
The office clerk was so embarrassed
It’s something he’ll never forget.

When Johnny was going on his honeymoon
Now - let no one think this is a fake,
He requested a special apartment
So that Seck wouldn’t keep them awake.

The clerk was no doubt somewhat puzzled,
But the manager spoke from behind:
“Every room in this house is for sex
If that’s what you had in mind”.

One day he entered Secks for a contest,
‘Twas all to be shown on T.V.
But his name was withdrawn in a hurry,
The committee returned his fee.

Johnny was very upset
He’d had Secks since before he was nine.
Why shouldn’t he show off his prowess
While the animal was still in his prime.

A voice from the crowd just then shouted
“Change the name of that cur if you can,
You’ve has Secks for the past twenty years
And embarrassed every last bloody man”.